i juz wanna be me.

sometimes as we advance further in life, i feel that it gets harder and harder to be urself.
i have difficulties being my self lately.

they say hope is the worst thing to be without. i feel really really hopeless right now.

there seems to be more n more n only emo post from me recently. i guess that makes me a pretty emotional guy. mayb i am. arghhh, screw it. i dont care anymore.

dreams do affect me quite a lot. n this time, a nightmare came to life. n the worst part is i cant do anything. all i can do is juz sit there n watch everything RE-happen... as it eats me from within... my mind is so full of words but my mouth juz cant say them out. i am not me anymore.

and i'm the lousiest actor u can find in the face of this earth. i cannot hide anything. sooner or later my mask will fall off n my "real" face comes out.

even i, dont know wats my problem. i dont know wats wrong with me. seriously....
when i look back now...its only a small matter n there were so many things that i could have done. yet i decided not to. thats wat pisses me off. n over n over again it replays in my head. the moment i done nothing while i could have done atleast something. for that, i juz wanna bang my head on the wall...

in everything i do, i screw up. makes me feel like its better if i would juz dissapear. everything will probably be the same. mayb better.

to make things super clear, i'm not pointing faults at anyone. i am merely disappointed at myself. but one part of my mind is telling me is that if i cannot forgive myself then how am i going to advance? the 1st step muz always begin with identifying the problem n forgiving ur ownself.

hah. easier said then done. i cant juz say "marcus, i forgive u" and hope it'll work... i can never lie to myself. thats wat makes it hard. like they say, one's greatest enemy is the devil inside of him.




anyway, even when i'm as dissapointed as i am now, there are still a few great news. my friends seem to be doing well. sometimes juz looking at them happy makes u quite happy urself too. i dont know about others but i'm like that. thanks for giving me good news at times like this when i reali need good news to parry the bad ones.

i remember someone told me: time heals all.

i reali do hope i can forgive myself soon. every sec is agony.