i juz wanna be me.

sometimes as we advance further in life, i feel that it gets harder and harder to be urself.
i have difficulties being my self lately.

they say hope is the worst thing to be without. i feel really really hopeless right now.

there seems to be more n more n only emo post from me recently. i guess that makes me a pretty emotional guy. mayb i am. arghhh, screw it. i dont care anymore.

dreams do affect me quite a lot. n this time, a nightmare came to life. n the worst part is i cant do anything. all i can do is juz sit there n watch everything RE-happen... as it eats me from within... my mind is so full of words but my mouth juz cant say them out. i am not me anymore.

and i'm the lousiest actor u can find in the face of this earth. i cannot hide anything. sooner or later my mask will fall off n my "real" face comes out.

even i, dont know wats my problem. i dont know wats wrong with me. seriously....
when i look back now...its only a small matter n there were so many things that i could have done. yet i decided not to. thats wat pisses me off. n over n over again it replays in my head. the moment i done nothing while i could have done atleast something. for that, i juz wanna bang my head on the wall...

in everything i do, i screw up. makes me feel like its better if i would juz dissapear. everything will probably be the same. mayb better.

to make things super clear, i'm not pointing faults at anyone. i am merely disappointed at myself. but one part of my mind is telling me is that if i cannot forgive myself then how am i going to advance? the 1st step muz always begin with identifying the problem n forgiving ur ownself.

hah. easier said then done. i cant juz say "marcus, i forgive u" and hope it'll work... i can never lie to myself. thats wat makes it hard. like they say, one's greatest enemy is the devil inside of him.




anyway, even when i'm as dissapointed as i am now, there are still a few great news. my friends seem to be doing well. sometimes juz looking at them happy makes u quite happy urself too. i dont know about others but i'm like that. thanks for giving me good news at times like this when i reali need good news to parry the bad ones.

i remember someone told me: time heals all.

i reali do hope i can forgive myself soon. every sec is agony.

it didnt work.

the circuit constructed didnt work....
version 3.0 needed....
another powerful inspiration required...

recuperating....

getting better....
can now walk properly adn carry out daily activities without much hinderance...


but however, there have been a few side effects....
it seems that there was a few changes noted in me over the past few days.

1. I finally start using Inti lift like normal ppl. normally the usual me would opt for stairs. now i rather juz stand there n push the button.
   
2. i begin to be extra paranoid about everything around me. i feel that everything will turn out wrong. n i begin to get 'scared' of everything. even the slightest things and always reluctant to take on any risk.
3. more to find out soon.
   

this is wat 1 day of torture from ur stomach can do to u....


p/s: jun guan, if i ever acted like that or shriek like a little girl for small small things again, pls do slap me.



n yea... history was made today too... perhaps i didnt blog about it yet but while i was suffering from the excruciating pain. an inspiration came n i drew a circuit out. went to confrim with mr. chan n got rejected in 3 secs.

the nxt day, made modifications to in n manage to come out with circuit version 2.0.....
and it turned out not as bad as expected.

got a "Hmmmm, ok. The circuit is worth trying. " from mr. Chan.

for me thats a very very very good achievement...
to be able to come out with something original that might or might not work.
buts thats definately a MARCUSLIM circuit.
u cant find it anywhere else..... lets keep our fingers crossed n hope for the best.
till nxt time.

sick.

yesterday... the most painful n miserable day i had ever since god knows when....

food poisoning.....
a reali reali reali reali bad food poisoning.....

if i wasnt having diarrhoe in the toilet then i was probably vomiting in my room(with a pail of course) i think i'm even thinner now...... was vomiting until there is nothing left to throw out.....

wanna sleep but couldn't
wanna eat but couldn't
wanna do report but also couldn't

wah.... its been so long since i gone through so much pain n agony....


now i'm all drained.... left there dead without any energy... it even require tremendous effort to keep myself in this sitting position to type this post.....

and i have 4 reports to complete... 1 of which needs to be handed up tomorrow..... for once i hate myself for procrastinating.... could have done it long ago..... but chose not to....

i think i'll go back to sleep now. who can do my report for me? anyone? please?